The Box

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I made room for you. It was hard and it took a lot of effort. I dusted off the places I prayed hard I won’t have to revisit. I cleaned the walls and I brushed the floors. I wanted you to feel as welcomed as possible. I wanted you to stay. To feel at home and to never want to leave.

I made room for you. I painted the walls that dark shade of red you like. And I carefully chose the golden and white accessories to match. I bought a la z boy and the best music player I could find. I didn’t know if you’d like a playstation or an x-box more, so I bought both. I also know how much you liked privacy and your own time, so I bought you wireless headphones for when you want to disconnect. I made that room your own.

I made room for you. I put my heart into that room. And I gave you the lock and the key. It was your room. And I trusted you’d use it well.

The room grew and you build a home inside of me. Maybe you don’t know that now, maybe you never will. But I was home for you. A good one. Even after you’d left, I was good to you.

Eventually I had to bring the walls of that house down. Especially after you tried to burn it. Especially after you said how it wasn’t kind. Especially after you’d distorted any kind memories I had of this place. I had to box your belongings away. I put you, all of your things, and the broken pieces of yourself you’d left behind and were too scared to pick up, in a box. 

I boxed you away. 

And now I’m cleaning another room. One that’s untouched, and I will put my whole heart in it, hell, I will put my whole life in it, hopefully, for the one who stays. The one who will ask for the keys and the lock. The one who respects the effort I put into that room. The one who will build a home for himself inside of me and will earn each and every block.

The one who will one day, carry your box out and it won’t mean a thing. The one who is the reason why I’m smiling so hard writing this now just thinking about the possibilities. The one who won’t get away. 

How do you know?

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How do you know if someone is the love of your life?

How do you know that this is it?

And how do you know that this is what you want to live with for the rest of your days?

How do you know  if a person will make you happy?

How do you know that this love will help you grow?

And how do you know that someone will still believe in you even when you don’t believe in yourself?

How do you know that nothing will tear you apart?

How do you know that they will stick with you through thick and thin?

And how do you know that this love is to stay?


When you know, you know.

And when you don’t know, you owe yourself to either exert the effort to find out or simply walk away.

How do I do this?

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After Julie’s accident, my life started revolving around the little things. The things that make me personally happy. Things that don’t matter to many, but in my world, they fill up the holes life digs along the way and they put a smile on my face. I wrapped my heart around tiny matters and in most days, when my heart was about to shatter, they were what kept it together.

For the past three years I’ve been holding on to the little things because in my eyes, they turned out to be the biggest. They filled my heart and my life despite how they could easily pass by unnoticed.

And growing up, I now realise that I have to let go of some of these things, and eventually, if I start giving them up, I know I’ll have to let go of most of these things.

I don’t want to grow up.
I don’t want to give up on what makes me happy.
I don’t want to let go of the little things.

And I don’t know how to verify myself.

How do I say this?

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If you can help me find the words please say them for my pen has run dry and my tongue is tied.

I can no longer write it down, and I’ve never been good at saying it out loud too. I don’t know how to say this, and the voices inside my head are too loud and too many to be clear.

I’d wished this was different a million times already.

Love complicates everything.

Love ruins everything that I want to keep.

Love is kind.

Love is freeing.

Love is not what I see now.

All I ever wanted was to make you happy.

Message to Heaven 6

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I know it has been a very long time. I still miss you all of the time.

I came here many times over the past couple of months but my words would always fail me.

I don’t think I have ever needed you as much as I need you now. I probably said this a million times and I probably will say it a million times more. I think I will need you all of the time for the rest of my life. And it breaks my heart every time I pick up the phone to call you. Yes, I still do that. Sometimes I actually go ahead and call. And the message doesn’t make any sense, how do they know that it is “temporarily switched off or unavailable” when I know that this line will never be available again. I hope Heaven’s dynamics allows you to hear my prayers. I want nothing more than to see you and talk to you again.

I miss you. And I need you. And I really wish I could see you soon.

You are the only person who would tell me what to do. I need you, Julie.

I hope you’re flying <3

Julie

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I miss you the most when I go to sleep, because that’s when we would have wasted hours texting back and forth.

I miss you the most when I cannot decide which nail polish colour do I wear because a phone call with you would have resolved this in 30 seconds.

I miss you the most when I cannot study and I know I can call you because you probably can’t study too.

I miss you the most when I have my Saturday morning coffee in Zamalek.

I miss you the most when I try a new dish and I know you would have loved it.

I miss you the most when I’m trying a new recipe and I know I don’t have the chance to try it on you.

I miss you the most when I’m picking a card for someone. You were my card picking buddy.

I miss you the most when I see a cute puppy and I know you would have wanted to take him home with you.

I miss you the most when I sit alone.

I miss you the most when I’m with people.

I miss you the most when I’m eating.

I miss you the most when I’m going somewhere.

I miss you the most when I’m writing.

I miss you the most when I’m singing.

I miss you the most when I’m breathing.

I miss you the most when I’m doing almost anything.

I miss everything. I miss all the little things.

I miss you the most all of the time.