A Letter To The Daughter I May Never Have

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Dearest Alya (that will probably be your name),

I love you. Even though you are still an idea inside my head, I still don’t even know who your father would be, I love you with all my heart.
I can already tell about all the fun we’ll have together, I’ll dress you up and put big bows and flowers in your hair. I’ll call you princess, even though you’ll grow up into a girl who dislikes Disney movies, and prefers to watch football with her dad and spend her days with feet in fresh-cut grass (dribbling a ball in a tutu skirt); you are my princess and I thought a lot about you before holding you.
When someone asks me if I am excited to have kids, I tell them that having kids would be nice, but I have no idea what I’d do with them. Yet you are always on my mind. All the adventures we will go on together, all the times you’ll hate me for thinking I know better, and all the times you’ll come back to my arms because our bond is unbreakable.
You are a wanderer by nature, you like to travel and see new things, your father and I will encourage you to go out and face the world early on. We trust you. You will not be afraid to be touched by your surroundings, we have taught you that your skin sheds and that every 7 years, the skin you’ll be wearing is one that has never been touched before by whatever has hurt you. And if it resides in your head, cut your hair. Go for the dramatic haircut, take it from you mother. Nothing is as liberating as shorter hair. It will grow back, I promise. Everything grows back, everything ends up alright.
Promise me little one that you will never let anyone mock your faith and what you believe in. Stand your ground. And even if your knees can’t carry you, you’ll know it’s alright, because you’ll remember all the times your daddy and I held your hands when you first started to walk. And that won’t ever change.
I promise you that I will do my best every day and that I am always proud that you’re my daughter. If I push you too far, please tell me, we will have the kind of relationship where we can talk about anything, and I know that at times I will do things that you don’t understand, your father will be the good cop and I’ll be the ass, but my intentions are wrapped, covered and painted by love.
Sometimes you’ll find yourself completely lost. And you might not feel like reaching out for us, it’s okay sweetheart. I have been lost before and we’ll have enough time, so that I can tell you about these times. Being lost is one of the best things that could happen to you if you keep going. You’re never alone, God has a plan that we don’t always comprehend, but the journey we’re put through takes us to the exact destination of where we should be. You’re never where you’re not meant to be. Your entire life has been built up to bring you to every single second you’re living. Be graceful.
Your mother doesn’t believe in lost causes, everything can be fixed, learn the difference between the things that are worth your time and effort and the things that should be left behind. But always leave with kindness.
At a certain age you’ll feel your heart moving for someone you never saw yourself with, let your heart guide you at that exact moment (Remember, you were never not meant to be here?). If your heart is wrong, let me tell you humanity’s best-kept secret: the capacity of the human heart to heal is beyond comprehension. Heartbreak is inevitable, and so is healing. Don’t let love happen to you, love love. Celebrate it and never regret an act of kindness you have payed to another heart. If all fails, I promise that you’ll wake up someday and the heartache is not there, it just doesn’t matter anymore. And when love arrives again, smile at it, take the lessons you have learned before and embark on your next adventure. Remember little one, only hard hearts shatter.

I have so many things I’d like to say to you, and I’ll write you again.

I pray for you already.

Love,
Nesma

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Practice Makes Permanent

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It is said that forgiveness is for the strong. It is said that the hearts that have been truly touched by love are the ones that can softly let go.

I grew up thinking that practice makes perfect, that acts like forgiving, letting go, showing kindness and spreading compassion are to be practiced to perfection.

I was wrong.

The world around me was wrong. Practice makes permanent.

All the times you had to forgive someone weren’t setting you up to be the perfect forgiver; they set up the act of forgiveness to be something you don’t think twice when you do. All the times you had to let go of something you were deeply attached to didn’t turn you into a person who lets go at a blink of an eye; they helped you understand that letting go is a natural part of life, that the fibers of your heart have been permed to unhook softly when the time comes.

Humans are vengeful by nature. We seek revenge when wronged. We practice all the hurtful words we’ll say when the odds are in our favor. Some of us spend years plotting the perfect way to make those who have hurt us payback. Sometimes, we even set this revenge upon ourselves. We punish our hearts for the mistakes of others; mistakes we most definitely can forgive.

Revenge can and will consume you if you practice it for too long. But the human heart isn’t all black and white. This is why the matters of the heart are still a mystery. Sometimes grey takes over and once we’ve tasted grey we think we’ve found a balance: Forgive, but not to often. Let go, but not before fighting to hold on. Show kindness, only when you’ve been shown the same. And stay compassionate, only when the world smiles at you.

There are infinite shades of grey. A single particle of either black or white can change your world. And we know but choose not to believe that we have a hand in the colors we paint our heart.

And life will not hand you white paint all the time, but we do have a say in picking up the brush painting it black. We can skip tainting our heart with the color that will only make it darker.

Forgiveness doesn’t come without letting go. And kindness only lies in a compassionate heart.

There is so much comfort in knowing we can keep the fibers of our heart white. There is infinite relief in knowing we can live with ease during hardship. And there are endless possibilities for the one who succeeds in seeing the permanence in practicing letting go.

When we let go, we show kindness to ourselves before anyone else. When we forgive, we soothe our hearts with compassion like no other.

May you never need to let go of those who touched your heart with kindness.

Of Ashes and New Beginnings

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The old saying goes: Were there was fire, ashes remain.

It is time I disagree. Were there was fire, ashes remained for a while, but the wind carried them away and the sea washed all traces.

Here’s to new beginnings. 

Our Alone Time

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Our alone time is dangerous. Because the thoughts that run in our heads when no one is around would not dare unravel in the presence of another soul. They’re shy yet bold and beautiful. And they are too strong to not be felt by another roaming soul in the room, and this is why they hide; they avoid connection. Connection has only always harmed them.
So our alone time thoughts reside to their comfortable place and remain quiet -until we are all alone- and that’s when they storm out to haunt us, to whisper the things we consciously deny, and mostly, to make us do things we would certainly regret doing if anyone knows about them.

How You Lived

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When your name is brought up, most people ask me about what happened and how did you die.

I almost always answer with how you lived.

And how you still live on in places only a lucky few can revisit.

Sometimes I feel blessed to have my heart break over your loss. It means I had you. It means I still have you.

Cessation

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I look at myself in the mirror and quite often do things change.

I look at your pictures though and everything is holding still. Everything is well preserved on a coloured piece of paper that signifies a great memory a few years ago. You ceased to exist in the physical sense, but my longing for a reunion grows everyday.

I thought I was never going to survive your loss. But I did. And I lost a lot of things along the way to stand where I am today. Oh, how I miss you Julie. How I miss everything!

In your absence, my heart is incomplete. You will always be my greatest friend. You will always be 18. And you will always look forwards to your 21st birthday (in a very twisted manner).

It became worn out to think or say that nobody gets me the way you used to, but it is the truth. And until I see you again, certain things I will just not talk about.

I pray to God you’re happy. I hope you’re flying.

Denying Possibilities

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There are shreds of glass at the back of my head from the sign that used to flicker your name every now and then.

I broke it when it stopped flickering.

It was a conscious choice.

I broke it.