A Letter To The Daughter I May Never Have

Standard

Dearest Alya (that will probably be your name),

I love you. Even though you are still an idea inside my head, I still don’t even know who your father would be, I love you with all my heart.
I can already tell about all the fun we’ll have together, I’ll dress you up and put big bows and flowers in your hair. I’ll call you princess, even though you’ll grow up into a girl who dislikes Disney movies, and prefers to watch football with her dad and spend her days with feet in fresh-cut grass (dribbling a ball in a tutu skirt); you are my princess and I thought a lot about you before holding you.
When someone asks me if I am excited to have kids, I tell them that having kids would be nice, but I have no idea what I’d do with them. Yet you are always on my mind. All the adventures we will go on together, all the times you’ll hate me for thinking I know better, and all the times you’ll come back to my arms because our bond is unbreakable.
You are a wanderer by nature, you like to travel and see new things, your father and I will encourage you to go out and face the world early on. We trust you. You will not be afraid to be touched by your surroundings, we have taught you that your skin sheds and that every 7 years, the skin you’ll be wearing is one that has never been touched before by whatever has hurt you. And if it resides in your head, cut your hair. Go for the dramatic haircut, take it from you mother. Nothing is as liberating as shorter hair. It will grow back, I promise. Everything grows back, everything ends up alright.
Promise me little one that you will never let anyone mock your faith and what you believe in. Stand your ground. And even if your knees can’t carry you, you’ll know it’s alright, because you’ll remember all the times your daddy and I held your hands when you first started to walk. And that won’t ever change.
I promise you that I will do my best every day and that I am always proud that you’re my daughter. If I push you too far, please tell me, we will have the kind of relationship where we can talk about anything, and I know that at times I will do things that you don’t understand, your father will be the good cop and I’ll be the ass, but my intentions are wrapped, covered and painted by love.
Sometimes you’ll find yourself completely lost. And you might not feel like reaching out for us, it’s okay sweetheart. I have been lost before and we’ll have enough time, so that I can tell you about these times. Being lost is one of the best things that could happen to you if you keep going. You’re never alone, God has a plan that we don’t always comprehend, but the journey we’re put through takes us to the exact destination of where we should be. You’re never where you’re not meant to be. Your entire life has been built up to bring you to every single second you’re living. Be graceful.
Your mother doesn’t believe in lost causes, everything can be fixed, learn the difference between the things that are worth your time and effort and the things that should be left behind. But always leave with kindness.
At a certain age you’ll feel your heart moving for someone you never saw yourself with, let your heart guide you at that exact moment (Remember, you were never not meant to be here?). If your heart is wrong, let me tell you humanity’s best-kept secret: the capacity of the human heart to heal is beyond comprehension. Heartbreak is inevitable, and so is healing. Don’t let love happen to you, love love. Celebrate it and never regret an act of kindness you have payed to another heart. If all fails, I promise that you’ll wake up someday and the heartache is not there, it just doesn’t matter anymore. And when love arrives again, smile at it, take the lessons you have learned before and embark on your next adventure. Remember little one, only hard hearts shatter.

I have so many things I’d like to say to you, and I’ll write you again.

I pray for you already.

Love,
Nesma