It’s 8 months already. The world hadn’t stopped spinning or anything, nothing is out of control. All that I thought was ending, didn’t. In fact, I was disappointed in the world, but mostly in myself. What kind of friend would I be if my world doesn’t stop after your passing?
Time doesn’t heal all wounds because some wounds are meant to keep us bound to reality, certain things will hurt the same through our lifetime. I just wished something would hold me tighter to the ground. There hasn’t been a day that passes where I don’t think of you still, a day where I miss you any less.
Laughter hurt a lot at first. How do I have it in me to laugh in a world you left? But, if anything, you’ve restored my faith that it’s all for a reason and that reason is most definitely for the best.
The grieving has definitely stopped, the mourning and the heavy heart too. But that doesn’t mean I don’t cry and that my heart feels any lighter. It’s that voice that speaks to me and the warmth that spreads inside of my heart that reassures me you’re in a better place; that you’re finally happier.
Finding a slice of happiness in most things doesn’t mean you never mattered, it means that you’ve taught me so much and that I’ve learnt to be strong, see the good in the bad and be thankful through the highs and the lows.
Your seat will never be filled, and instead of filling it up with dust, sadness and bitter memories of your departure; I’ve chosen it to be the happiest place in my head. That for you, Julie, I will learn to smile again, from the deepest bottom of my heart; the sincere smile you used to draw on my face shall never fade, because up in Heavens, you’re hopefully smiling and having an eternally kind and happy life.
You’re there and I am here. And here is filled with constant longing that I never believed possible.
Sometimes I grieve that I am not grieving anymore. I never told this to anyone. It isn’t exactly me letting you go, it’s just accepting a certain kind of loss, but in that acceptance, I’ve felt a different kind of loss, the loss of ever finding another moment of happiness with you again; at least in this lifetime.
The void you left is huge. But sometimes I find myself not rattling in this void alone. And even if it’s just for a little while, it scares me.
و إِن كُنتِ تَقْرأي فأنا إشّتقْتُ إليْكِ حَقاً