Deny

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You’ll say you’d never
Let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise
And you can’t afford to lie

We deny that we’re tired. We deny that the walls have crumbled. We deny that we’ve tried our best and we always push even though we’re beyond repair. We deny that we’re in denial and that’s the worst thing.

I denied that I was good. I denied that I tried my best. I denied that I gave it my all and that my all is not enough. I denied that I cannot change and I promised to try harder even though I knew that deep down inside of me I gave up on the whole thing.

I was in denial because I thought that’s the right thing to do. I was in denial because I refused the fact that my life is moving on and my heart has truly let go. I was in denial because I was trapped in an illusion that if I allow my heart to feel anything it will hurt.

But denial hurt more than the truth when I finally faced myself. To be honest, when I broke down into the matter, it didn’t hurt at all. It all seems logical at this point. I was never going to find the happiness I deserve if I went down that road.

Denial did me good for a month exactly. It created a protective layer from what I was scared to see. But it was about time I face myself. It was time I stop denying that I’m in denial.

The future ahead of me couldn’t be brighter than it looks now, also scarier. And maybe this is why I found comfort in denial. I was comfortably constantly disappointed and it didn’t matter because I had nothing to be afraid of and this is how I wanted things. I didn’t want fear. I didn’t want to deal with any more losses after I had lost Julie.

Fear is good. Fear drove me to cleanse the darkest spots inside of me and to dust off my soul. Fear made me stand in front of God and reclaim the faith I was once careless about. Fear made me feel lighter when I realized it was here to protect me.

I denied how I truly felt that I couldn’t see the simplest of the truths. But I know better now. I know where to head and my path has cleared out.

For the first time in a very long time, I am living outside of myself. I’m learning to breathe and I am not walking on eggshells. I am happy. I’ve learnt that empty promises do exist and it doesn’t mean that they were not true; on the contrary, they really were- just had no value. I’ve learnt to accept an apology I’ve never received and to let go of the ache that could have ruined my life.

When the time comes around and love knocks my door again, I will not deny it’s standing outside and I will embrace whatever is thrown my way. I’ll live for the moment and I’ll keep my promises. I will treat myself and others the way I want everyone to treat me and I will not block the world out. I accept what I’ve went through and the person it has made me.

Denial kills. Don’t let it linger- because before you know it, it might become the truth.

Forgive.

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Of healing and trusting sand…

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I don’t wish bad things for anyone, not even those who hurt me. I get really angry and upset. I get hurt. I swallow my pride and I choose to walk away. But I don’t wish anyone bad things, no matter how bad the situation is or how ugly and deep the wound is.

To be honest, I didn’t expect myself to come here now, almost a month since the world as I knew it for quite some time has been torn apart. I thought it would take me months before I hold my pen again and speak my heart out.

When Julie died, there was a shift in the universal order of events  as I thought they should be. I waited for 887 days for her to wake up and be okay. I waited to take her and eat ice cream and a happy meal. I paused a lot of things. But this is different. This time no one died. I cannot pause anything. I’ve only been badly insulted, humiliated and thrown away. And I won’t lie to you and say that I snapped out of it and moved on perfectly fine. I struggled for a couple of weeks to find my way back to my senses, to recall what it was like to be emotionally independent. And it took me until yesterday to detach from the heaviness; to laugh and not feel any pain.

I built my castles on a hill of sand. I was hoping it would turn to rocks in time, but I was wrong. Sand is sand and you shouldn’t trust anything that is that fragile to be a base for your most concrete dreams and heavy weights. Sand will let you down and everything will come crumbling.

I am not saying that it doesn’t still confuse me, or that the hurt was little and the world is revolving in a steady pace again. Things are not clear and the hurt is humongous, but so is the will to heal.

I could have done a lot of things differently, but I am older now, and the could have would have if it should have. Things are done and over now. There is no going back and there is no changing the current circumstances. In fact, I do not want to change anything about what’s happening. Everything that I’ve done wrong and has led to this break up;  I am truly thankful for. Everything that God put our way to let our true selves shine; I am eternally grateful for.
I was hurting, I had just lost my best friend. I’ve been hurting for the past 3 years waiting for her to get better and back on her feet. It’s not anyone’s fault. He couldn’t understand. It’s quite simple. Things don’t work out and people break up all the time. He chose not to be there in my weakest moment and I let him go. I’ve had the world by my side and yet I threw my weight on him because I trusted his strength, I trusted his promise to stay and never walk out on me. I trusted sand. I was a fool, but I’ve learnt my lesson.

I let this go with a non-revengeful heart and a smile. I let this go because this is the way things are meant to work out. I let this go not because I am helpless, but because I choose not to do anything about it. I let this go because I have absolute faith that something else, something better is waiting down the road. I let this go because the scar has thickened and this means it has healed.

I let you go. Goodbye sand, I hope you’re somebody else’s rock.