You’ll say you’d never
Let me fall from hopes so high
But never is a promise
And you can’t afford to lie
We deny that we’re tired. We deny that the walls have crumbled. We deny that we’ve tried our best and we always push even though we’re beyond repair. We deny that we’re in denial and that’s the worst thing.
I denied that I was good. I denied that I tried my best. I denied that I gave it my all and that my all is not enough. I denied that I cannot change and I promised to try harder even though I knew that deep down inside of me I gave up on the whole thing.
I was in denial because I thought that’s the right thing to do. I was in denial because I refused the fact that my life is moving on and my heart has truly let go. I was in denial because I was trapped in an illusion that if I allow my heart to feel anything it will hurt.
But denial hurt more than the truth when I finally faced myself. To be honest, when I broke down into the matter, it didn’t hurt at all. It all seems logical at this point. I was never going to find the happiness I deserve if I went down that road.
Denial did me good for a month exactly. It created a protective layer from what I was scared to see. But it was about time I face myself. It was time I stop denying that I’m in denial.
The future ahead of me couldn’t be brighter than it looks now, also scarier. And maybe this is why I found comfort in denial. I was comfortably constantly disappointed and it didn’t matter because I had nothing to be afraid of and this is how I wanted things. I didn’t want fear. I didn’t want to deal with any more losses after I had lost Julie.
Fear is good. Fear drove me to cleanse the darkest spots inside of me and to dust off my soul. Fear made me stand in front of God and reclaim the faith I was once careless about. Fear made me feel lighter when I realized it was here to protect me.
I denied how I truly felt that I couldn’t see the simplest of the truths. But I know better now. I know where to head and my path has cleared out.
For the first time in a very long time, I am living outside of myself. I’m learning to breathe and I am not walking on eggshells. I am happy. I’ve learnt that empty promises do exist and it doesn’t mean that they were not true; on the contrary, they really were- just had no value. I’ve learnt to accept an apology I’ve never received and to let go of the ache that could have ruined my life.
When the time comes around and love knocks my door again, I will not deny it’s standing outside and I will embrace whatever is thrown my way. I’ll live for the moment and I’ll keep my promises. I will treat myself and others the way I want everyone to treat me and I will not block the world out. I accept what I’ve went through and the person it has made me.
Denial kills. Don’t let it linger- because before you know it, it might become the truth.