My sleeping habits have been knocked over the past week. I sleep when the sun is up and I am awake through the night.
And to be honest, it hadn’t been that bad. In fact, it hadn’t been bad at all. I get to finish work, I have a lot of time for myself to think, I write a lot and I connect with Raghda more often. (Raghda is my best friend who lives in Canada and my night is her midday)
My brain and I do not usually get along, specially when we spend too much time on certain topics. But this week has been different; it gave me a break. I am at peace with my thoughts for the first time in a long time.
I got the luxury of the time and the loneliness to sort out my future and what I want to do with my life. I got the chance to re-evaluate the distance I draw between myself and people because I am scared I’d get hurt if I get too close- I finally got to see what I was missing out on. I got the peace of mind to mature and let go of residues of bitterness. I got the energy to start out where I should have and to close the doors I left opened, just in case.
I’ve always said that the world I view straight would be completely upside down for someone else. I never knew that this very same perspective would lie within me. I never thought my world would be so straightened out when it’s upside down.
I miss my best friends. I miss Raghda and Julie beyond words could ever describe. And I miss being myself around Mona. I miss waking up early and eating healthy. I miss the vigorous work outs and I miss ballet.
I am back to writing and I am happy. I now know that I’ve got people out there who care for me and wouldn’t hurt me- people who will stay despite my fears. I am on my allergies medication and it doesn’t make me drowsy. I sing, often. I realized what a movies-freak I am. I reconnected with God and I reignited my Salah-t. I am back to volunteer work. And I do not find myself wasting time aimlessly anymore; I am always doing something that I enjoy, as silly as this thing could be.
The world upside down is helping me regain the part of my humanity I’ve lost over the past 2 years. The world upside down is making me admit to my fears. And the world upside down is so beautiful because it’s unlike me. I like things the way they should be, and the world shouldn’t be upside down, and I shouldn’t see it beautiful but I do and that’s what makes it so wonderful.
Also, the world upside down is reassuring, because when the world was alright I was so in love, and now it has flipped, I am just in love as I’ve ever been with Ahmed. And this feels right. Maybe this is what’s keeping my faith in this flip so strong. The one thing I hold on to so dearly is present, fixed, it’s a constant.
The world upside down is so refreshing. And soon, this will be my world straightened out, and I will be so excited to experience a new mesmerizing soul-shaking flip!