Daddy

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Summer 1993 :)

I might always complain that my dad’s constant travelling and work routine affects our relationship- and that we lost the perfect father-daughter relationship we had when I was younger, but then again, I was easier to deal with and handle back then. Sometimes I fail to handle my own outbursts!

Of course there is always something missing in the house when he is not home, the day is not complete without him asking me to fix a cup of coffee, and TV is not loud and left open at any given point in time- and frustrating as this TV thing might be to my mother; when he travels, I find her leaving the TV really loud. I like to think she does that subconsciously; that automatically it makes her feel safer.

Today I hit rockbottom at needing my father to be right here right now. I cried so hard when I woke up and he wasn’t home to drive me to university when I had missed the bus. I hated needing someone else and I wouldn’t dare call my mum who has left like an hour early due to her very far work place.
Most definitely I hated being let down by someone I wanted to rely on, but I was very frustrated that I couldn’t find my dad and ask him to drop me where I wanted to be. I cried like a 5 year old until I realized crying is not going to fix anything. He is the one person I can always trust would never let me down- although I wish I have someone else, my father is more than I can ask for.

I never thought I would say this. And I never thought that needing my papa would be that extreme especially at such a small matter. I cried like I had lost him. Life without him is very hard. very. He never makes me feel bad about anything I do- he believes in me and inspires me, I get my strength from him.

My father is the person I love unconditionally, and always will. He’s always made us feel how proud he is of being “Abou El Banat” in a society like ours, typically sexist. He’s shown unconditional and extremely selfless love to my mother and tricked my sister and I into thinking that all men should be the same. He is one in a million.

I now understand it very well when they say that a girl’s first love is her father. He is her first and her last and every type of man that should count in between. He’s been through a lot to get her where she’s started. I appreciate that the immense amount of effort my father invests in his work is to provide us with the lifestyle he wants for us.

My father is my hero although he might never believe. I love you Papi <3

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Better

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You don’t break someone’s heart into a million little pieces and then tell them you shouldn’t stay because they deserve better.

When in doubt

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When in doubt- I read. It usually sparks an idea inside my head.

Today I was in doubt, severe doubt. I was so lost. And it wasn’t even a big deal, but I was beyond confused and disabled. I almost let go of the one most precious thing in my life.

I went through my father’s gigantic book  collection and I found a Khalil Gibran poetry collection. It was perfect for the mood I am in.

And those words won’t escape my thoughts from the minute I put back the book on the shelf:

“You were born to be together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in your silent memory.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heaven dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bondage of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup, but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread, but eat not of the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone, though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping,
For only the hand of life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together,
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in shadow.”

Maybe I was doing it wrong. Maybe I’ve been doing it wrong all along. Maybe I am too proud to admit that maybe.. maybe I am not enough and I will never be. Maybe I love beyond that.

But I know the future holds more than what we think. I know that two lives together will mean much more 10 years from now. I know that it’s not simple. And I know that two people trying to make it work out in a world so messed up will often be not easy; it’s a constantly sailing ship, and the waves are not always gentle.

I won’t lie and say that it doesn’t hurt to try and fail. Sometimes it crushes me. But I don’t mind trying for the rest of my life- because when it works out, it is SO worth it.

I end this with the one poem that managed to break my heart more than Khalil Gibran’s entire poetry collection- the one Mike told Suzan in Desperate Housewives before he was shot:

“I love you once. I love you twice. 
I love you more than beans and rice.”

 

The world is upside down

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My sleeping habits have been knocked over the past week. I sleep when the sun is up and I am awake through the night.

And to be honest, it hadn’t been that bad. In fact, it hadn’t been bad at all. I get to finish work, I have a lot of time for myself to think, I write a lot and I connect with Raghda more often. (Raghda is my best friend who lives in Canada and my night is her midday)

My brain and I do not usually get along, specially when we spend too much time on certain topics. But this week has been different; it gave me a break. I am at peace with my thoughts for the first time in a long time.

I got the luxury of the time and the loneliness to sort out my future and what I want to do with my life. I got the chance to re-evaluate the distance I draw between myself and people because I am scared I’d get hurt if I get too close- I finally got to see what I was missing out on. I got the peace of mind to mature and let go of residues of bitterness. I got the energy to start out where I should have and to close the doors I left opened, just in case.

I’ve always said that the world I view straight would be completely upside down for someone else. I never knew that this very same perspective would lie within me. I never thought my world would be so straightened out when it’s upside down.

I miss my best friends. I miss Raghda and Julie beyond words could ever describe. And I miss being myself around Mona. I miss waking up early and eating healthy. I miss the vigorous work outs and I miss ballet.
I am back to writing and I am happy. I now know that I’ve got people out there who care for me and wouldn’t hurt me- people who will stay despite my fears. I am on my allergies medication and it doesn’t make me drowsy. I sing, often. I realized what a movies-freak I am. I reconnected with God and I reignited my Salah-t. I am back to volunteer work. And I do not find myself wasting time aimlessly anymore; I am always doing something that I enjoy, as silly as this thing could be.

The world upside down is helping me regain the part of my humanity I’ve lost over the past 2 years. The world upside down is making me admit to my fears. And the world upside down is so beautiful because it’s unlike me. I like things the way they should be, and the world shouldn’t be upside down, and I shouldn’t see it beautiful but I do and that’s what makes it so wonderful.

Also, the world upside down is reassuring, because when the world was alright I was so in love, and now it has flipped, I am just in love as I’ve ever been with Ahmed. And this feels right. Maybe this is what’s keeping my faith in this flip so strong. The one thing I hold on to so dearly is present, fixed, it’s a constant.

The world upside down is so refreshing. And soon, this will be my world straightened out, and I will be so excited to experience a new mesmerizing soul-shaking flip!

Emotion

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Feel it. Live it. Celebrate it.

We were not brought to this world to dictate emotion. It’s unlike human nature, yet sadly, it’s becoming part of it.

Emotion is what would keep the soul inside of you distinct. Your emotions define you.
Do not mutate that.

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