The 5 day challenge to not write anything!
It didn’t work. I left random scribbles wherever I went. I wrote in every notebook I put my hands on. I saved memos on my blackberry. I even sometimes wrote in the margins of newspaper. I couldn’t hold myself no matter how much I tried to fight it.
And to be honest; writing is my best release. I let go of the pressure, the anxiety, the emotions, you-name-it and writing helps. Even when I write about something that doesn’t relate at all. Just holding a pen and a paper, hearing the sound of pen scratching and watching the voices inside my head transforming into art on paper… that’s divine for me.
Nerzy gave birth.
Merna chose an engagement ring.
Sherine got engaged.
Nada is due in a week.
And the world keeps revolving around grown-up stuff. But I refuse to go there. I don’t want to grow any older. I want to go back to the time I was 18. I did not enjoy this year like I thought i would. Horrible tragic things just kept on happening to me. They happened to me, I don’t deserve to feel like I asked for any of this. I admit that now is not even comparable to April of last year, I was half-dead back then. But there’s too much pressure in the air: 7 subjects at university, millions of things to do, a best friend that I would die to see but don’t have time to visit except every now and then, feelings of guilt towards street dogs and lost causes. I used to enjoy the pressure. I used to thrive under pressure. Now I’d trade the skies above me for a shell. Maybe for a day. Because I still love it here. I don’t know. I don’t know anything. I still want to go back to being 18. I want to re-live it properly. Yet I wouldn’t trade my now for a million perfect “18-s”. Because you’re here. You’re so beautiful it truly does make me want to cry. You’re here and it’s a breath of fresh air, a change of heart that’s everlasting, and a responsibility I am more than happy to carry. I want to stay. I want to let go of this burden too. The burden I didn’t choose to carry and I thought was never mine to hold.
My package is heavy- very. This is a very random post. A confusing one too. But I love you. A lot. You understand. And you make the world a much better place. You too give me a reason. You actually give me a million reasons.
Thank you for saving me. I owe you a lifetime that won’t be enough. Always.