A Feeling; too weak to live.. too strong to die

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Written and posted on “Where Rainbows End” on the 3rd of June 2009

I love sleep. My life on many angles seems to fall apart when I’m awake. I wanted to be that girl. I don’t know which one, I just never thought I’d end up as me! Maybe I liked myself in the beginning. I really did. But as the days went by, I realised that I’m more prone to making mistakes, and I’m not used to it, I don’t feel like I’m being me when I do something wrong. I grew up into that perfectionist-optimist. Now I am a messed up-insomniac 17 year old. I’m all too young for this. Tonight, I received my first “Leave me alone now” from a loved one. To many it might not seem like a big deal, but in my world it is and this does not degrade or make my world any less worth it. It is just the way it is, you like it this way or you don’t at all. I never had anyone tell me this before. And when someone really special tells me so, it’s like stabbing, only without a knife. I was known to be tough and strong, and they talked of me like I’m made of concrete, but how about the cracks in the concrete? Don’t they make you feel like it will eventually fall apart? I dread crying myself to sleep and unfortunately I’ve been doing it quite a lot for the past few weeks. Now the only thing actually standing between me and my happiness is reality. When people have issues with their realities, they wish for a Fairy Godmother, but Fairy Godmothers lie. Yes, they do! They promised that all it would take was to leave the ball by 12 a.m. They never mentioned that I won’t find a ride home and I might get lost in the woods. They promised that all it would take is a little compromise, they failed to deliver the difference between a compromise and a sacrifice. Fairy Godmothers drew a fine line between patience and waiting and forgot to define it. If only reality would stop breaking my heart, I would stop listening to my Fairy Godmother.. there’s a chance, a good one, that also these things will be pleasant to remember, but for the moment, I do not want to believe that THIS would make pleasant memories.

What is happening in my life creates a constant war within me; a half wants to be happy and make it all right while the other wants to just curl up and die. And between all this a moment freezes and I go back to the days when I was 6 and my biggest problem was what dress to put on Barbie, and my recognition gets tied to something that makes me smile. I know that God only gives us stuff that we could handle and I am not saying that I am not handling this, I am just stating that I haven’t gotten enough strength to do it at the moment. Maybe I would tomorrow, a week from now, a month or even a year, but at this very moment, I fail to even put myself together..

There’s a certain freedom in being completely screwed, because you believe things can’t get any worse, but then there’s you. You put me back together, you make things right, you un-screw me. And I miss you. I want you back. I don’t want blaming or fighting. I only want peace of mind and comfort. And if I fail to see that we could get this now, I need your help to enhance my vision, maybe that’s all I need for now, a little more faith. It hurts when I know that I disappoint you and I’ve reached a point where I believe walking out would make your pain less, but then I remember the old days and how it was before and I thank God I’m in pain when I can put a tiny faith into a belief of you caressing it, than being all alone.

So I’ll keep on smiling, because no one said this would be easy…

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