I haven’t really been on good terms with my dad lately. Not that I love him any less, on the contrary, I love him more every day we spend away from each other. I miss him all the time.. but we grew some differences we couldn’t compromise and so things became a bit hard. And the thing is I wish we were fighting. Fighting would make things easier, liberating all the negative energy, but no.. silent treatment is all we’ve been giving each other. And a good morning or a smile is all we exchange.
He’s been trying really hard to make it up to me lately, and I try to be understanding.. but I believe concealing hurts like these needs time.
I woke up early this morning, went straight to the kitchen to prepare myself some coffee; I have a very long day to come (It’s my best friend’s wedding tonight). I headed back to my father’s bookshelf to pick a morning book to read. My dad -sometimes- writes poetry or random scribbles, and it happened that he left a notepad where he writes his stuff, in the bookshelf.
Took the notepad and my coffee to the balcony, sunk into my armchair (Yes, I do have an armchair in the balcony. Tells you what type of a person I am) and I skipped through the pages of my dad’s scribbles.
I always felt special when I would find something that he had written about me.. On a normal day, he’d expect a tight hug and a butterfly kiss on the cheek. But today is not a normal today, not only is he away for work.. I didn’t know what would have happened if he were home and I came across something entitled “Nesma”..
I liked most of the things I read (I didn’t understand some others, as usual), things were going okay until I found “Stealing Princess”.. I am princess.
Stealing Princess was about me growing up into a fine lady that has a heart set on the road for some “average unworthy guy- according to my dad” to come and capture. About how he now looks in my eyes to see how can someone be immensely hurt by a person and still look up to them in everything. I laughed about the extreme contrast-wording he used to describe me and my guy-to-be. It’s as if he loathed him so much already. He’s jealous of someone who doesn’t exist in his life at the moment and he’s scared of the day this person would come to steal princess.
He follows the “I loved her first” rule like no other person on earth. I know I’ve always been a daddy’s little girl, everyone who knew me and my dad for a while would be no genius to figure that out. So it’s pretty expected he’d get jealous and that all father-daughter dances make me cry like a baby, but it’s funny how all these years, all he was trying to do is turn his baby girl into a little woman, and now that I’m turning into one -using his words- he’d do anything to turn me into a little baby girl again.
In “Stealing Princess”, daddy gave a detailed visual explanation to the first time I smiled at him. Each word he wrote will forever be carved in my heart with joyous tears and endless smiles.
I remember when I was 11 and he had a severe heart attack, he stayed in the hospital for too long, I was so scared he might never return home with us. I remember him asking me to climb next to him in bed, he held me really tight and through his pain and short breaths, he started telling me my favourite childhood story.. Then he asked me not to be scared. I don’t remember I had to struggle with fear since that moment.. And through life, in moments I’d be hesitant or uncertain, fear would start crippling over me, I’d remember his hands on my shoulder asking me to stay strong for him. It was such a responsibility at a time, to stay strong watching the love of my life- that would be my dad, lying on a hospital bed.
Here I am daddy, your little girl.. 7 years later, I’m not scared and I stayed strong. And I let go. I let go of the angerI had towards you. I’ll always be your princess.
“I do not want to let go of her, so I think to myself that I would be more of giving her away, as a gift. A very precious gift”. How can I not thank God for having your very presence in my life when I find something like that written about me.
You don’t need to let go, I’ll always be staying. And if you think a person is unworthy of your gift, then he’s unworthy (Although I doubt under your conditions a worthy person will ever appear).
I know you’re going to read this, and I’m expecting a call.
I love you Dad, with all that you made out of me, with all that I am because of you, and all that I’ll be under your guidance.
To the girls: You might think you don’t love your daddy, you never wanted to live under his rules, you wish you don’t have to deal with all the curfews and annoying orders, but look for that soft spot you have for him inside your heart… and you know the rest :)