Daddy’s Diaries

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I haven’t really been on good terms with my dad lately. Not that I love him any less, on the contrary, I love him more every day we spend away from each other. I miss him all the time.. but we grew some differences we couldn’t compromise and so things became a bit hard. And the thing is I wish we were fighting. Fighting would make things easier, liberating all the negative energy, but no.. silent treatment is all we’ve been giving each other. And a good morning or a smile is all we exchange.
He’s been trying really hard to make it up to me lately, and I try to be understanding.. but I believe concealing hurts like these needs time.

I woke up early this morning, went straight to the kitchen to prepare myself some coffee; I have a very long day to come (It’s my best friend’s wedding tonight). I headed back to my father’s bookshelf to pick a morning book to read. My dad -sometimes- writes poetry or random scribbles, and it happened that he left a notepad where he writes his stuff, in the bookshelf.
Took the notepad and my coffee to the balcony, sunk into my armchair (Yes, I do have an armchair in the balcony. Tells you what type of a person I am) and I skipped through the pages of my dad’s scribbles.
I always felt special when I would find something that he had written about me.. On a normal day, he’d expect a tight hug and a butterfly kiss on the cheek. But today is not a normal today, not only is he away for work.. I didn’t know what would have happened if he were home and I came across something entitled “Nesma”..

I liked most of the things I read (I didn’t understand some others, as usual), things were going okay until I found “Stealing Princess”.. I am princess.

Stealing Princess was about me growing up into a fine lady that has a heart set on the road for some “average unworthy guy- according to my dad” to come and capture. About how he now looks in my eyes to see how can someone be immensely hurt by a person and still look up to them in everything. I laughed about the extreme contrast-wording he used to describe me and my guy-to-be. It’s as if he loathed him so much already. He’s jealous of someone who doesn’t exist in his life at the moment and he’s scared of the day this person would come to steal princess.

He follows the “I loved her first” rule like no other person on earth. I know I’ve always been a daddy’s little girl, everyone who knew me and my dad for a while would be no genius to figure that out. So it’s pretty expected he’d get jealous and that all father-daughter dances make me cry like a baby, but it’s funny how all these years, all he was trying to do is turn his baby girl into a little woman, and now that I’m turning into one -using his words- he’d do anything to turn me into a little baby girl again.

In “Stealing Princess”, daddy gave a detailed visual explanation to the first time I smiled at him. Each word he wrote will forever be carved in my heart with joyous tears and endless smiles.

I remember when I was 11 and he had a severe heart attack, he stayed in the hospital for too long, I was so scared he might never return home with us. I remember him asking me to climb next to him in bed, he held me really tight and through his pain and short breaths, he started telling me my favourite childhood story.. Then he asked me not to be scared. I don’t remember I had to struggle with fear since that moment.. And through life, in moments I’d be hesitant or uncertain, fear would start crippling over me, I’d remember his hands on my shoulder asking me to stay strong for him. It was such a responsibility at a time, to stay strong watching the love of my life- that would be my dad, lying on a hospital bed.
Here I am daddy, your little girl.. 7 years later, I’m not scared and I stayed strong. And I let go. I let go of the angerI had towards you. I’ll always be your princess.
“I do not want to let go of her, so I think to myself that I would be more of giving her away, as a gift. A very precious gift”. How can I not thank God for having your very presence in my life when I find something like that written about me.
You don’t need to let go, I’ll always be staying. And if you think a person is unworthy of your gift, then he’s unworthy (Although I doubt under your conditions a worthy person will ever appear).

I know you’re going to read this, and I’m expecting a call.

I love you Dad, with all that you made out of me, with all that I am because of you, and all that I’ll be under your guidance.

To the girls: You might think you don’t love your daddy, you never wanted to live under his rules, you wish you don’t have to deal with all the curfews and annoying orders, but look for that soft spot you have for him inside your heart… and you know the rest :)

Something Soft

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Fragile doesn’t always mean breakable, if handled with care.. And a smile will never fade when your heart is home.

Home from home. And laughter extracted from a curve perfectly drawn on your face.

A smile makes the heart tender… Laughter keeps the heart young. And something soft will always bring me back to you..

Other than You

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I fly. You’re the wind.

I fall. You’re the safety net.

I fear. You’re the reassurance.

I fail. You’re the venture.

I fade. You’re the light and the shadow.

I love you. You’re gone.

Fall-Fell-Fallen

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You made me realize pain could exist in places we never knew we had inside of ourselves.
I never really knew how to get you to make up your mind about something. I never really knew you. And yet, fragile as I shall stay, I gave you enough space to drill a hole inside my chest; a hole that would forever ache of your -once- presence.
Tonight, I lost a part of you. I lost the part I loved the most. I think I gave up on it.. Or I just gave it in. Yes, I didn’t fight a losing battle. I chose to wave my white flag because I was not set for a battle. And I won’t battle. I won’t for you.

Your shoelace is untied.

Please don’t come after me.
I’ve built a maze for you. I can’t watch you get lost.

The Last Postcard

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Life is as beautiful as it gets. always.

If you haven’t seen life through someone else’s eyes, you shouldn’t expect them to scope the world through your lens. And you shouldn’t settle when you’re asked to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Yet, be considerate. Because considerate is different; considerate is when your best defense is a reminder of your common sense.

And when you’re not a young kid anymore. When your worst nightmare is not being able to dress your barbie or breaking your plastic sword, you’ll be trapped in a beautiful disaster called maturity. When the world delivers you to maturity, you’ll learn how to make mistakes. New ones. And you’ll be confused, but it’s okay to be confused. The world has gone out of it’s way to teach you rough lessons, and it’s still the same thing that causes you problems. On the other hand to all of this, there will be your friends and family. There will always be the people who matter, even when you believe no one matters anymore.. At the end of the day, you breathe for someone. And you find that that world that causes you problems and brings you mistakes and heartaches is the very same one that brings you family and friends. And in a way, you’ll realize that, somehow, no matter what, this world will always protect you. This world is your life. And your life is good.

It’s that leap of faith, that jumping-of-the-bridge-hope-you-grow-wings-on-your-way-down that keeps you going. Take your chances… Grow up.
Growing up is full of big moments. Some of them you might see coming. Some of them you won’t notice passing by at all.

You don’t want to look back at your life in a few years and wonder who you are. We have a great tendancy to take life as an inexhaustible matter and yet everything happens a few times in life. A very limited number of times actually.
How many more times will you remember an afternoon from your childhood, an afternoon that is so deeply a part of your being that you can’t even conceive your life without it? a few times maybe. How many times will you catch a silverlining? Will you chase a butterfly? Will you make a breakthrough? Will you make your parents proud? Or will sit down at night and watch the full moon rising for the last time?
We always ask ourselves when was the last time we did something for the first time, and we stopped wondering when the last time to do something for the first time will be.

Don’t wait for gold, look for that silverlining.

Life is beautiful. And so are you :)

When You Go

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One day you’re going to wake up and you’ll realize you want to go.
One day you’ll realize that you’re staying where you don’t belong.
One day you’ll know that I was right, and you were scared to fall for the truth.
And one day, you’ll learn how to see things through my eyes. And then you’ll fall in love with me allover again.

That night, when the whole world walks out on you, and you have walked out on me… All you’d have to do is hurry up a little, make it through the distance, and I’ll be there. Ahead of you. And maybe you’d find out, that we set ourselves up for the greatest fall of all times.

And in your dreams at night, when you’re safely permitted to be insane, you’ll figure out how much you miss me, because you can only miss me in your dreams. When you’ve lost the last bit of your sanity.

I will not hate you, I promise. Neither will you hate me. Nobody knows anybody enough to hate them anyway.

This is a love letter. This is a love letter sealed with impair.